The blue bird of unhappiness

Yeah, I know it's a Simpsons' reference. I thought it would capture my mood though. Admittedly, I'm not terribly upset right now, but that's because I had three double vodka and cokes, 4 beers and a cider this evening. I actually feel quite pleasant right now. I think I have a problem though. Sometimes (usually involving large groups of people) in social situations, I get really uptight, which drives me to consume copious amounts of alcohol (with the hopes of loosening up). Fortunately, I don't drink when I'm alone (a rather fruitless endeavour if you as me).

This evening, I went to the orientation leader social, which was a boat cruise. Afterwards I went with a few people to a club. What did I get out of it all? Well, I did learn that the girl I fancied is dating someone. I really only have myself to blame since I didn't ask her out when I had the chance. I guess I can cling to the idea that she's not too tied up with him yet, but I might as well admit my own failure and move on. Other than that, the boat cruise was a bit of a waste of my time. Oh yes, it was good to see my orienation mates, but I didn't really enjoy my time. I was really pensive, inward-looking and taciturn all night. There was Karaoke, and I put myself down to sing "Piano Man" by Billy Joel, but there wasn't enough time. Furthermore, despite consuming two double vodka and cokes, a beer and a cider prior to my arrival, I failed to get drunk at all. Actually, the social reminded me of my high school "formal" in that it was absolutlely meaningless. Endings have little meaning or significance to me apparently.

So, afterwards, I went to a club and made up for my lack of drunkeness at the social by spending piles of cash on cover and drinks. I guess I had a good time. I don't have anything to show for it, but by now I have worn down my hopes and expectations to practically nothing. Moreover, why should I see girls at clubs as anything more than eyecandy? (Thus really unsuitable for me in the long term) Still, it would have been nice to snog some random girl. (Those of you not familiar with the term snog should note that I didn't say shag.) The last time I snogged a girl I didn't know was when I was in Aberdeen. (Ahh! Memories of Scotland!)

So, about the only respectable thing about me right now is my apparent tolerance for alcohol, which may in fact be an object of pity.

Why do I drink?
That is an important question. I think I usually drink to reduce my anxiety in uptight social situations. Sometimes though I think I drink for dipsomanical reasons. I certainly drink sometimes to reduce or dodge the psychological pain of certain situations. Certainly rejection or in the case of tonight, disappointment, drives me to to this. Does it work? Well, despite this pensive post, I'm still upbeat. So, I guess it does help me dodge psychological challenges I really should face head-on.

R